


Beyond Constipated

by Scrange



Category: Berena - Fandom, Holby City
Genre: F/F
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-11-09
Updated: 2016-11-09
Packaged: 2018-08-30 02:26:40
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 393
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8515135
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Scrange/pseuds/Scrange
Summary: [One of a series of Holby City spoof scenes - all iconic dialogues (mostly between Bernie and Serena) which are hopefully recognisable. All are written keeping as closely as possible to the original, but with wildly, and generally ridiculously, divergent meanings. This one reworks the scene were Serena tells Robbie that they have no future together**Many apologies here for my rudeness about Ukraine, which was all done for comic effect - please take it as a reflection of Bernie's frustration, not a reflection of my honest opinion!** ]Wherein the fandom has been suffering severe obstruction, and Bernie pleads with the writers of Holby to let her come back from fucking Ukraine, NOW …





	

Writers - Trauma Unit abandoners first, Ms Wolfe.

Bernie - Well, I’ve been wondering when you’ll let me talk! This radio silence mallarchy is killing me. *unleashes the most thundery Wolfe Smoulder ™ that she can muster*

Writers - I know. We were hamming it up a bit. Plus, the fans haven’t exactly been silent on the matter, have they? *they dare not enter, but can be spied giving frantic thumbs up at the  
window of the script editing room.* They seem more desperate to get you back into the Serenasphere, the Campbellhood, than ever.

Bernie - Well *with a practised Redgrave theatrical flourish, and a hair swish that is pure Wolfe*, they’re enormously fond of me. I mean, they were even checking out my biceps and muttering  
about kickboxing *anyone who took the time to observe carefully would detect a distinct hint of Big Macho Army pride here*. But you can only re-blog the same kiss so many times …  
and now they’ve dissed me! I didn’t realise how much. *nostalgic - not a little bitter* Me and the fandom, we had a really nice life together, before this stupid Ukraine business - you  
know, endless swoons over my eyes, my elegant hands, my magical hair swishes, my indecently tight skinny jeans … *lost in reverie - pants a touch petulantly*

Writers - Well, we made you irresistible. What else do you want?

Bernie - Oh, you did that, did you? *sighs and rolls her eyes skywards*. It’s just *with a flounce*… I’ve been flirting with other work.

Writers Oh … wow! Not *horror* ITV, surely???

Bernie - No! Don’t panic - it’s still the BBC. No ‘Bernie’s Bake-Off’ fate for me! But you can’t keep us all going on a diet of Ukranian potato vodka and sapphic angst, for eight whole weeks,  
you know. The fandom are beyond constipated!

Writers - Hmm, we need to unblock their pipes. It wouldn’t be fair otherwise.

Bernie - Maybe a script enema of some kind? *doubtfully* I’m sure they’d appreciate that.

Writers - Okay, we’ll give them Serena Sublime Campbell, holding forth on the many textures of love … and with a deft flick of her eyebrow, turning a one-night stand with a man (scandal)  
and a pair of Spanx into a lesbian mush fest. *conspiratorially* Then, even better, we’ll have Jason send you a sneaky text, calling you home. 

Bernie - Sounds like an ideal moment for the return of Berenice Bloody Wolfe!


End file.
